Lately I feel like I've been building my testimony. I've been feeling defeated and alone. Not the alone feeling of not having anyone there for me; just the alone of not feeling God's presence as much as I have in the past. I've been waiting for God to tell me what to do with my life, even though He has already told me what I am supposed to do. I'm still waiting for the answers that I want to hear. I am also afraid that I will miss my chance to do what He has planned because of my fears. I'm afraid of what people will think, and I am afraid that I will fail. Maybe this is all part of the plan. Maybe I am supposed to be afraid of what people will think, so that I can step out before them. Maybe I'm supposed to fail first. Perhaps this would be a test to see if I draw near to God, or stray away like I've done in the past.
I'm exhausted because I am always running away from what God wants me to do. I feel like I'm answering all of the questions I've had just by writing all of this down. Maybe this is my "quiet time." I have also been filling the voids of not having much faith. I've been putting most of my faith in relying on friends for selfish reasons and nothing ever works out. Here is where God comes in as the one who has never left me, but still I'm running like Forest Gump in the opposite direction.
I've been stuck in this rut for a while now. When I think I have something amazing and everything is going to finally be aligned, it ends. I know what I need to do to carry out the plans but I don't want to. Not now, I feel like I need to enjoy my early 20's before I have to settle down and live a boring life in the church. I know that the last sentence was horrible but it's how i feel. It might just be me blinded by the temptations I'm facing everyday now. Hopefully I'll wake up soon!
